Under the Wire

Many years ago I wrote a column titled “True Love.” It was reasonably funny so it became the first story in our book “Just Barely Under The Wire” and also appeared on our website. Years later, re-titled “Putting The Squeeze On Love” the story was featured in a regional magazine. The column somehow hit the internet via email years ago. People seemed to like it.

We have decided to run the story, one last time. If you haven’t already read it, please enjoy “Putting The Squeeze On Love.”

I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most important discovery of our century. Nothing insignificant like the fountain of youth, a cure for the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or Washington, D.C.). Nope, I’ve really discovered something. I’ve discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage. If couples contemplating marriage will follow my directions, they will know immediately if they are marrying the right person. My secret?

A squeeze chute!

Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger pinching knuckle rappin’ labor saving devices mark the hidden path to marital bliss. Forget showers for the prospective bride that only give her the impression that her towels will always match and her life will always have a place for a cappuccino machine.

Discontinue bachelor parties where the groom gets the idea he’ll still be able to get together with his buddies once in a while to have a wild “boys night out,” without suffering dire consequences. Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading traditions, here’s my plan.

Weeks before the wedding, before the invitations have been printed and the church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, about 70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the Industry’s best squeeze chutes. The goal ... with no outside help, let the two lovebirds process the cattle through the chute. Once this has been done, if they’re still speaking to each other, this marriage will last. In short, all the problems a couple can encounter in life will be addressed right then and there. First there’s the question of authority. Who will be in charge? The boss, you see, gets to run the chute. The submissive partner, brings the cattle up the alley to the chute. Once that issue has been addressed, there’s the question of forgiveness.

There’ll be one old cow who does not want to go up the alley to the chute. She fights, bellers and flings all kinds of body fluids over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway. Finally after risking life and limb, the cow charges up the alley and right out the front of the chute. The “boss” on the head gate missed her. How’s the old forgiveness test going? There’s other lessons concerning compatibility to be learned, also. An aggressive “Type A” personality on the chute won’t be satisfied with the performance of a laid back “Type B” bringing the cattle up. Hollering “more cattle” about eleven times usually brings a premature halt to test proceedings. I know this system works. Sue and I worked about 400 head of cattle on one of our first dates. Side by side, together all day long (I ran the chute, she always had one ready to enter). My partner in life and love. Any gal that could stand that is OK by my book. I ran the chute, but she told me how. That’s pretty much still our system and it’s a good one. The next time you see a couple looking all gooey-eyed at each other don’t buy them a toaster, get ‘em a “Powder River” instead.