Under the Wire

Did you ever get the feeling you’ve wasted your life? Maybe you should have gone into another line of work? Everyone else seems to have done better with their life than you?

No? Well, me neither. Most of the time. Normally I’m pretty content with my life. I get to talk to about three million people on the radio every week day morning and write these columns. My wife and I have put together a nice little ranch with a decent house, plenty of grass and some good cows and horses to look at. Truth is, I get to feeling pretty content with the world around me, until IT comes in the mail. When IT arrives, I try not to look at IT. Sooner or later I do. When I do look at IT all the above mentioned feelings of insecurity and failure pop up. IT is the alumni magazine from my old college alma mater.

There’s always a section on the accomplishments of former graduates: “Joe Blow has just retired after being president of the largest company in the world. He and his loving wife of 40 years and his 23 year old “personal trainer,” Mindy, plan to travel the world on their yacht, stopping off for speaking engagements occasionally.”

The next paragraph reads: “The University has just bestowed their loving alumni award to Sam Smith, (class of 65) for his accomplishments in the world of finance.” Followed by, “A new wing of the library has been named for Weldon Applecart (class of 72) for his outstanding service to medicine, worldwide.

There’s always a form you can fill out and send in detailing your accomplishments. I always fill it out. For some reason mine never gets published. It reads:

“Gary Hodgson (Class of 69 — just barely) recently attained a major financial milestone when his Visa limit was raised to $7,000. In addition, during a six month period Mr. Hodgson has not missed a column deadline, saved 98 percent of his calf crop and only thoroughly ticked his wife off twice.”

Down at the bottom of these reply forms usually is a space to fill in the amount you are donating to the football fund, alumni association or president’s lawn sprinkler fund. I leave that part blank.

I can see why I won’t have a wing of the library named after me but come on, why not a tiny paragraph in my beloved alma mater's magazine? I’m using nearly everything they taught me, except for those that are now illegal or I’m too old to do.

P.S. The last one refers to college rodeo. What did you think I meant?