Under the Wire

Dear Public Utilities Commission,

It is my understanding that your office regulates the cost of certain commodities in my state. I also understand that all one must do to get permission to raise rates on those commodities is ask. You get out a rubber stamp marked yes, stamp it on the request, then take the rest of the day off.

Since I obviously have a good grasp of how your system works, I have decided to apply to you for an increase in the rate I am charging for my stories. Recently you have granted enormous increases to companies supplying natural gas. This gas, of course, is used to create the “hot air” that heats our homes. I, too, am considered to be a purveyor of “hot air” by way of these stories, thus I am qualified for a rate increase. I don’t wish to be greedy so I’ll take a 40-percent increase this Friday then another 40 percent the following Monday. I’ll let you know in a week or so if that isn’t enough.

By the way, is there any chance you could also grant me and a few friends of mine an increase in what we are receiving for corn, wheat, cattle (it’s never enough) and big bay team roping horses that work most of the time and are always for sale?

I realize that by granting my request you will be opening the door to other, less needy and just plain greedy people. I therefore am also enclosing a request that you not grant increases to sellers of GMC pickups, John Deere tractors, Justin Boots and of course, all Coors products. Obviously if you were to grant them increases, there would go my gains.

Once again, I know there is precedence for this type of thinking. Even though electricity, natural gas and propane have gone up, I haven’t talked to a single worker for the gas company who has received a 40-percent raise in wages.

Thank you very much.

Update: The above letter was written several years ago and sadly, I must report a reply is yet to be received. Being aware of Post Office delays, I figured an extra two months for it to pass from Brush, Colorado all the way to Denver, 100 miles away. Their lengthy response, along with several refund checks attached would probably take a week or two longer to appear in our mailbox.

As of today, about two years have passed. I now suspect many of these “consumer-owned” utilities may not care what I think. Imagine that!