Under the Wire

“Hello. You have reached the offices of Never There Dot Com. If you wish to order our service, once we decide what it will be, push one. If you want to know the status of a previous order press two. If you wish to register a complaint push 96307214883246917772. If you would like to speak to an operator, stay on the line. As soon as we hire one, she will answer the calls in the order they have been received. You are caller 2,943. Thank you for calling Never There Dot Com. Your business is very important to us. If you have reached this number in error be more careful what buttons you push next time, knucklehead!”

We’ve all had the experience of calling a number, expecting to converse in our chosen language with a live human being, only to be greeted by a “menu” of answers to every possible reason you could be calling. I suppose someone has conducted careful research to pinpoint and categorize all the mistakes and foul ups they can be predicted to make. A series of excuses are then recorded to explain why they committed that particular blunder. I, of course, never destined to be successful in business, cannot understand why they didn’t use the time it took to identify and then explain each mistake to simply learn how to not make the goof-up in the first place.

Fortunately, I surround myself with folks better able to cope with such technological development and, in fact, learn from and put them to use. One such friend gave me an idea related to this seemingly mindless waste of corporate time.

He purchased a horse recently from one of the local “used horse” traders. Like a true craftsman of the art, the trader hadn’t pressured my friend to buy the steed. Instead, he just made the horse look so good my friend was practically begging him to sell. Reluctantly, the purveyor of previously purchased pickles, accepted my friend's money and handed over the lead rope. If you watched closely, there was a spring in his step as he walked away.

The first day the mount was at his new home, he didn’t have to work … at all. His new owner couldn’t catch him. The second day my friend trapped Old Bay in the barn and caught him. His joy was short lived as Bay bucked all the way through the warm up laps in the arena. He didn’t get his rider off but the new owner's attention was significantly diverted during his practice session. It was not a pretty sight.

That evening before calling the former owner to express his displeasure, his mind anticipated the trader’s answers:

“Can’t catch him? Did you take some grain with you? Small pen? Did you talk softly as you approached? He bucked? Humm, never done that (muttered something that could have been; before, much, recently or hard). You didn’t wear spurs did you? What kind of bit did you use? Oh, no, not that one! He hates that one.”

When Mr. Horse Power did answer, the predictions come true. He went through the whole grain, small pen, small talk, spurs and bit routine as expected. That’s when my technologically advanced friend got his idea. He proposes to offer an answering service for horse traders. It would go like this:

“If your horse is hard to catch, push one for a recorded message concerning what you did wrong. If he bucked push two. Can’t get a bridle on his head, push three. Want your money back? Push 96307214883246917772. If you have reached this number in error, please call Never There Dot Com. They also have an entertaining answering service. See ya Sucker!”