Under the Wire

I’ve noticed some columnists display a cartoon-like caricature of themselves at the top of their work. They jump right off the page at you, big head, little body with a goofy cartoon smile to greet you. What’s with that, anyway?

First, let me offer my apologies to any fellow columnist for whom the picture is not a cartoon but what he or she really looks like. These folks have enough problems already, without me making fun of them. I can only imagine what it must be like to wear a size 9 shirt collar and size 8 7/8 hat. Since I’m not really an insensitive person, it’s not those people I’m talking about. Instead, my target are those men and women who want the world to think of them as a close relative of Donald Duck. What can they be thinking of? I’m sure they want to connect with their readers, make them feel that the columnist is one of them. Don’t they think their audience will look around at their friends and fam- ily and notice none of them have big ears and short arms, except of course, one guy I went to grade school with. I’m not referring to him because once in the third grade I made a joke about his big ears. He then used his short arms to pound the crud out of me during recess.

I have met several of these talented writers with cartoon images above their column. They look just fine to me the way they are. Most have normal size bodies and heads that match. Some are so good looking, I’ve thought about using their picture at the top of my column instead of my own. There would be advantages to using someone else’s picture in place of mine. When I crank out a real stinker of a column or offend someone, they’d go looking for the person in the picture instead of.

Now it’s time to level with you about my picture. The truth is, that’s really not me. I tried to find a cartoonist to draw me but most said it would be hard to make me look funnier than what I already look like. Not sure what they were trying to tell me. On top of that, they all wanted paid, in advance. Finally, I had an idea. I went to a horse sale one Saturday and picked out the goofiest looking guy I could find. I asked if I could take his picture. He wanted five dollars, but not in advance. I took his picture then ran off without paying. I guess he was no smarter than he looked. It’s this goofball's pic- ture I use each week, not mine. I never saw him again but I did hear he went into hiding when my first column came out. He may be goofy-looking but he does have some pride, I guess. By the way, if you’re wondering what I really look like, think of movie star Sam Elliot.

No, I don’t look like him, but at least you’ll have some nice thoughts.