Son Up to Son Down

The day you become a parent, you are given this enormous responsibility and privilege to raise a child. A responsibility and privilege so great that everything else falls by the wayside. Everything we do becomes solely about the children; it completely changes our lives. Our priorities, our schedules, our dinners, even the TV programs and music we listen to change. It is both a blessing and a curse to begin this journey, because when we’re busy being the best parent we can be, we start sucking at everything else.

Included in this is our relationships with friends. I was recently texting a friend of mine about how I know I have a lot of friends, but being a busy parent makes it hard to feel close to anyone. I get so caught up in what I am doing with/for my kids that I forget there are other adults in the world. Susan Maushart says in best in her book The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It. “After you’ve had a baby, your body will never, ever be the same again. Nor will your mind. Or your heart. Having kids changes women in different ways, but it changes all of us. One woman may be shocked at how selfish she’s suddenly become; how it seems that nothing outside the nursery door really matters anymore.”

Some people have said that being a mom has made them a bad friend and I don’t think this is true. Being a mom has made me a different kind of friend. I can’t drop whatever I am doing at any moment to go shopping or out to dinner. I’m not able to go to the big city for a spur of the moment girls’ trip (anything like that takes weeks of planning and coaxing of grandparents). But what I can do is brew a pot of coffee, scrape old crusted ketchup off my table, clear the toys from a chair and chat about life. I can cry with you when the duties of motherhood feel overwhelming. I can laugh with you about something crazy your kid did that day. When I’m thinking about you, I’ll send you a text message to let you know you’re on my mind. We can’t always be there for our friends in the same way we used to; raising young children makes that nearly impossible. But true friends know that you’re just in that phase of life where being the same friend you used to be isn’t exactly an option.

On the bright side, it’s not forever. Our adult relationships are just paused because keeping up with the demands and needs of our children is exhausting and all-consuming. Things that were once easy are no longer. We change and become ultra-focused on these little people. I do miss the way my adult friendships used to be and I think part of me still longs to be that person, but I also know that this is only a short phase in my life.

So, to my mom friends, hang in there. Sometimes you will feel lonely and left out. Sometimes you will feel like a crappy friend. But you’re not, you are just in a hard season. Rest assured that it’s not forever and your true friends will still be there for you when you make it through.